Photo: Universal Studios and Imagine Entertainment
A recent study has shown that an increasing number of people support resorting to drastic measures to beat back the advancing tide of early Christmas celebrations. Some have called for mass incarcerations; others have called for using the Infinity Gauntlet to snap violators out of existence. Almost everyone, however, is hailing the rise of a new vigilante hero determined to end all early Christmas celebrations.
“Shoot!” said Toor Key, President of the Coalition to Preserve Thanksgiving, in exasperation. “It’s getting to be that you can hardly sit down and enjoy a Thanksgiving meal anymore without people wanting to come dressed in Christmas sweaters, swill egg nog, and listen to Christmas carols! Don’t people know that Christmas doesn’t officially start until the day after Thanksgiving?”
Millie Nial, a 28-year-old mother of two from Hoboken, NJ complained, “People are celebrating Christmas as early as September or October! They are demanding egg nog and sugar cookie-flavored drinks. It’s cutting down on the shelf space available for my pumpkin spice! It’s an outrage!”
Marvelous Movies recently spoke to a number of lawmakers to see if there were any less drastic alternatives. The only congressperson willing to speak to us did so on condition of anonymity. “It’s the Hallmark Channel lobby,” he said in a panicked whisper. “They want earlier and earlier Christmas celebrations every year. Anyone who opposes them ends up dead with cuts consistent with ice skates, or they are suffocated under a mountain of fresh-baked sugar cookies.”
In the last few years, a green hero has risen to combat the Hallmark Lobby. Originally, he was believed to be the Hulk, primed to smash early Christmas displays and revelers. Recent video has shown these suspicions were false, with the hero identifying himself as “the the the THE GRINCH!” He has quickly proven himself to be the hero we need and, quite frankly, deserve.