METROPOLIS–Ahead of his prospective reelection campaign this fall, Lex Luthor continues to face ongoing criminal investigations into allegations of illicit business dealings. Currently, Luthor is on trial for allegedly paying hush money to Dr. Harleen Quinzel, a.k.a. Harley Quinn, for personal favors–and then falsifying business records to cover it up.

Quinzel took the witness stand last week, to the surprise and chagrin of Luthor’s legal team. “Mistah J and I were on the outs back then,” she testified. “I was down on my luck, and I needed the cash, so when Sexy Lexy here came along, I let him take a ride in my clown car–if you know what I mean.”

The defense objected to Quinzel’s testimony at multiple points over details and comments deemed irrelevant or inappropriate. “I wasn’t too impressed,” she stated. “You know what you get when you cross a bald eagle with a rubber chicken? Lex Luthor!” Marvelous Movies reporters have declined to print Quinzel’s full statement.

Luthor and his associates have flatly denied the alleged incident and any connection to Harley Quinn. “She’s just a C-lister, and not even a Superman villain!” Luthor told the press. “And besides, isn’t she insane?” Quinzel holds a doctorate in psychology from Gotham University and lasted a full year practicing psychology at Arkham Asylum before being committed herself.

Luthor has posted several statements protesting the trial on his X account, in violation of a gag order issued by the court. Luthor’s legal team has advised him to remove the posts, and the judge has threatened jail time for any further violations. “It would serve him right,” Quinzel commented. “His order made me gag, too.”

“Luthor didn’t want me goin’ public, so he paid me some hush money,” Quinzel continued. “Which may sound strange, ’cause Hush is another one o’ Batsy’s baddies, but try to keep up here.” She then added, “Honestly, I woulda taken the deal for some hushpuppies, too. Yum!”

Quinzel’s testimony concluded on a more solemn note. “Everyone knows Mistah J is crazy–but he embraces who he is. Luthor is a different kinda animal. He tries to maintain a legit appearance, but he’s just as bad as Joker–maybe worse. His crimes and policies have hurt and killed a lot more people.” When pressed for further comment, Quinzel simply said, “Luthor is a Hack, Man.”

Luthor’s trial is still ongoing, and it remains to be seen how the outcome will affect his chances at reelection.