EARTH–People around the globe began to panic earlier today as supervillain Galactus, the devourer of worlds, approached the Earth in a fit of otherworldly hunger. The gigantic cosmic entity has a known history of feeding on the life energy of planets all across the galaxy in order to sate his supernatural appetite. However, upon seeing the Earth in its current condition, Galactus declined to consume the world and departed soon after.

“I’m actually trying to watch what I eat these days,” Galactus told Marvelous Movies in an interview. “And honestly, the Earth just looks nasty. Like, they still have diseases? Half the people don’t even take vaccines? Every other civilized world I’ve encountered is way past that point by now. I’m not a health food nut or anything, but this is ridiculous.”

“And don’t even get me started on the pollution–and nuclear waste,” Galactus continued. “I love junk food as much as the next cosmic world-devourer, but I still have standards. And this place just really makes me lose my appetite.”

“It’s got way too many fats, too,” Galactus noted. “I’ve got to watch my figure.”

“Galactus has elected not to consume the Earth at this time,” added Norrin Radd, Galactus’s herald and official spokesperson. “To satiate his hunger, I shall direct him instead toward the outer reaches of your galaxy, where he may wish to feed on Neptune or Uranus.” At publishing time, Galactus was seen flying away from the Earth, giggling hysterically.