METROPOLIS–Daily Planet journalist Clark Kent, who the world now also knows as Superman, has allegedly amassed the equivalent of millions of dollars in Kryptocurrency, a form of payment he claims is native to his homeworld of Krypton. Kent has recently published several pieces for the Planet, but rather than his usual beat of covering crime and superhuman activity in the city, they’ve been about how he got rich through Kryptocurrency, inviting the audience to find financial freedom through similar investments.

“I was just scraping by on a reporter’s salary until I got rich overnight using Kryptocurrency!” writes Kent. According to his most recent article, when the planet Krypton was destroyed, the electronic currency once used by billions of Kryptonians all went back into the digital space and is now available for opportunistic investors to access and profit from.

“At first I thought it was a scam, but lots of people are using Kryptocurrency,” Superman continued. “Like me, Supergirl, Zod–and, you know, probably lots of totally normal humans from Earth too!”

“I mostly used Dogecoin,” Superman explained. “I’ve already got a dog named Krypto, so it just seemed to make sense.” He added, “Also, Elon Musk and DOGE have been doing such great things for our country lately that I wanted to support them too.” This statement surprised some readers as Superman has not historically been in favor of billionaire geniuses-turned-politicians.

Krypto the Superdog himself added, “Very success. Much coin. So money. Wow.”

“You’ll get guaranteed returns of 800% in just three days!” Superman’s article promises potential investors. “Just send me your bank account number and an initial investment of $1,000 or more, and I’ll help you get started. You don’t want to miss this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity!” Click here to take advantage of this limited-time offer for special deals on Kryptocurrency investments.

At publishing time, JLA satellites had intercepted a message claiming to be from Superman, saying that he was trapped in the Phantom Zone and that a hacker had taken his place. What a Bizarro turn of events!