SANTA CLARA, CA–Intergalactic rapper and singer Bad Raccoon has been making headlines ahead of his performance at the halftime show for Super Bowl LXIX. This year’s show marks the first-ever Super Bowl performance by an alien from outer space. However, many have objected to the choice due to Bad Raccoon’s questionable planetary origin and outspoken political stances.
Bad Raccoon has been especially critical of the High Evolutionary, a geneticist who has been accused of kidnapping animals and children and keeping them in cages for his experiments. “He’s a krutarckin’ monster is what he is,” the rapper told Marvelous Movies in an interview. “He tore me apart over to make me what I am. He even blew up all of Counter-Earth–millions of people!” Marvelous Movies is unable to reproduce the entirety of Bad Raccoon’s comments in a family-friendly publication.
The artist’s comments have made him especially unpopular with the High Evolutionary’s supporters, who contest that the geneticist has done nothing wrong. “If they didn’t want to get blown up, then the people of Counter-Earth should have just complied and followed the law,” said Jason Kirk, an Earth-based advocate of the High Evolutionary’s work. “Besides, Ego and other supervillains have murdered people too.”
High Evolutionary supporters have threatened to boycott the Super Bowl due to Bad Raccoon’s controversial comments, as well as his alleged status as an illegal alien. “But it turns out, I actually am from Earth, before I got taken to Counter-Earth,” Bad Raccoon asserted in response to these claims. “I’m a citizen of this stinkin’ mudball, just like all a’ you!”
Bad Raccoon’s frequent traveling companion, Groot, gave a prepared statement to interviewers, thoroughly explaining his position on the controversy with eloquent detail and thoughtful nuance. “I am Groot,” he adamantly stated, before going on to add a clarifying statement: “I am Groot.”
As a further protest against Bad Raccoon, right-wing organization Talking Points USA has announced it will host an alternative halftime show for conservative Christians, headlined by vulgar vigilante Deadpool.




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