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The Witch Trials of J.K. Rowling, a podcast miniseries from The Free Press, has drawn significant criticisms from certain quarters of the internet for not following proper protocol in determining whether or not Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling is, in fact, a witch.

Famed witch expert Betty Vere (preferred pronouns: sir/the wise) noted the podcast spent no time at all actually discussing whether or not Rowling even looked like a witch. “It’s the most important starting point,” the wise noted.

Outspoken Rowling critic Vill Ager agreed, “She looks exactly like a witch. And she never dresses in drag, so she must dress like a witch!”

“She wouldn’t let me identify as a newt,” Rowling victim Pez Zant added sadly.

“The point being,” Betty Vere notes, “that there are ways of telling whether someone is a witch. It’s all based on logic and science. What do we do with witches? We burn them. What else do we burn, apart from witches? Books which hurt our feelings. That’s actually why witches burn; they’re made out of books which hurt our feelings. What happens when you throw books in the water? They sink. What else sinks? Billionaires in submarines. Who else is a billionaire? J.K. Rowling. So, if she goes into a submarine and it sinks, she’s a witch!”

This very scientific advice has been embraced wholeheartedly by the internet. It’s expected to dominate the news headlines until Elon Musk starts repressing collectivist peasants.