WASHINGTON, D.C.–America this morning woke to thunderous applause as the 2024 election results finally came in, certifying Johann Schmidt, a.k.a. the Red Skull, as the country’s 47th president. The Skull has promised to establish order in America and has brought peace, freedom, justice, and security to his new empire.

Amid the crowds of joyful patriots cheering and chanting “Hail Hydra,” the Red Skull’s first official act as president-elect was to abolish the House, the Senate, and the Constitution, setting himself up as a fascist dictator with absolute power. Captain Steve Rogers was allegedly on the moon at the time and could not be reached for comment.

“I’d just like to thank the loyal members of my Secret Empire all throughout the country,” said the Skull during his acceptance speech on Wednesday morning. “None of this could have happened without their support.”

“Yeah, I realize he might be a Nazi dictator and a murdering, genocidal maniac,” said Rick Stewart of Virginia, a loyal Skull supporter for years. “But he’s already lowering gas prices and creating more jobs. I know I made the right choice.“

Red Skull’s next official act was to begin mass deportations of all undesirable entities from the country–including mutants, Inhumans, DC fans, and all the “woke” superheroes like Captain Marvel. “They and their kind are no longer welcome in my new America,” said the Skull.

Some of the Red Skull’s rare detractors are concerned about the country’s new direction, especially without notable heroes like Captain America or Captain Marvel to keep him in check. At publishing time, Old Man Logan had been dispatched to address the situation.

In the meantime, we can all rest assured knowing that the right people are in power and that the Red Skull has kept his promise to make our country great again.