Natalie Portman’s Casting as Thor Caps a Fourteen Year Vendetta

Photo: Marvel Studios

BURBANK, CA – With the recent revelation that she has been cast as the next lightning-wielding goddess of thunder, Natalie Portman has been vaulted into the international spotlight. In remarks delivered shortly after the announcement, the actress was reflective, looking back almost fourteen years in her career. “In 2005, the man I loved with everything I had broke my heart,” she said tearily. “Then, he betrayed our relationship and tried to kill me. Since that day, I have struggled tirelessly for this moment.”

It was a love story for the ages. A fun-loving, pod racing boy born to an enslaved mother falls in love with a fourteen-year-old, democratically-elected queen of an entire planet. Their scene with the telekinetic pears inspired many frustrated dates as men the world over attempted to recreate that bit of movie magic, convinced that they could become Force-wielders through Force of will. Likewise, the sizzling romantic dialogue was legendary, with “aggressive negotiations” being widely-regarded as the greatest romantic line of all time.

It was not to last, however, and ended in tragedy. Along the way, it taught an entire generation of young people valuable lessons about love blossoming in the midst of a violent civil war and about giving up and dying when rejected by a lover.

That was 2005. Now, Anakin is a cyborg, reputed to be more machine than man. Advanced cybernetics have not yet figured out a way to protect a cyborg from a sudden, powerful electrical surge, and Ms. Portman now commands lightning.

“If that jerk comes back for me, I’ll electrocute him into oblivion,” Ms. Portman said as she finished her remarks. True love never dies.

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