BURBANK, CA – Marvel Studios President Kevin Feige has finally confirmed that popular singer Beyoncé Knowles-Carter will never be cast in the Marvel Cinematic Universe.
“We would have loved for it to happen,” Feige admitted. “In fact, we approached her several times about it and even had a partially written movie titled All the Single Ladies. The problem is that it would never work. If we cast her as a hero, there aren’t any villains or groups of villains powerful enough for people to really believe the danger was real. Likewise, if we made her a villain, no heroes could have opposed her even if we assembled every super hero character ever created by Marvel into an Avengers team.”
“That’s preposterous!” Twitter user and self-proclaimed comic book expert @CaptainAmeriquinas39 tweeted at Feige. “She could have easily created a character powerful enough to pose a significant threat to her or a life-ending comet or asteroid that was too big for her to lift.”
Others hotly argued that there were other methods for introducing the popular entertainer into the MCU. Suggestions ranged from a mystical device splitting her into equally-powerful good and evil aspects of herself to an evil sea witch magically capturing her singing voice in a shell.
Editor’s Note: A short while after making his comments, Marvel Studios held a press conference where a badly bruised and bloodied Mr. Feige apologized profusely for insinuating that Beyoncé could be villainous.