JACKSONVILLE, FL – Earlier today, scientists with the National Weather Service confirmed what many on the internet have suspected. Hurricane Dorian is not an actual hurricane, but the god of thunder, Thor, wandering around the Caribbean in a probable drunken stupor.
“We have been unable to accurately predict the behavior of Hurricane Dorian,” NWS Chief Executive Louis Uccellini admitted in today’s press conference. “Naturally, we are scientists and incapable of being wrong in our predictions. That said, the reality of the situation has not conformed to those predictions. Therefore, we realized there must be a supernatural explanation for this freak phenomenon.”
“After consulting social media, pop culture sites, and Wikipedia, the most likely suspect was the Norse god of thunder, Thor,” Uccellini continued. “The old stories and the movies about his more recent exploits on earth all indicate that he is a prodigious drinker, which has gotten worse since he failed to stop Thanos just prior to the Snap. Since then, even dealing with online trolls can trigger a drinking bout. We think he got smashed and is now wandering around with a massive hangover, completely disoriented.”
“We have yet to Sif through all the evidence,” Uccellini concluded, “but we do think that Hurricane Thorian is likely to hammer the Florida coast and other spots in the continental United States for a few more days. We advise residents of those areas to keep a low-key profile.”