BURBANK, CA – In an unprecedented turn of events, the beloved comic book hero Spider-Man has risen from what appeared to be certain death. This news was joyously received by some and prompted extreme rage in a certain few.
“Why does Tom Holland get to come back as Spider-Man?” an irate Chris Pine demanded. “He’s already had two full movies and multiple guest appearances! I only got to be Spider-Man for all of five minutes. Spider-Ham got more screen time than I did, for Pete’s sake!”
“I am going to sue Marvel,” declared C. D. Barnes, the actor who voiced Spider-Man in the 1994 animated TV series, when informed of the recent announcement. “I was told that Marvel does not allow any screen version of Spider-Man to successfully complete his story arc!”
Tobey Maguire was reportedly so enraged that another Spider-Man actor was going to tie him in number of feature films that he was spotted angry-dancing down three street blocks of New York City.
As of the time of this reporting, Andrew Garfield has not made an official statement. Sources close to Neil Patrick Harris have stated that he has slipped into his Count Olaf persona from A Series of Unfortunate Events and is plotting an especially dastardly revenge against Mr. Holland, Marvel Studios, and all superheroes in general.
With all this personal Venom stirred up by this revival, it is a safe bet that there will be Carnage if the Spider-Men meet in public.
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