SAN FRANCISCO, CA – After three years of mounting criticisms for its weak handling of fake news, cyberbullying, and utterly destroying worldwide democracy, Twitter has finally announced it will be adopting an aggressive strategy to combat so-called internet trolls. As a central plank of its new strategy, Twitter has announced the hiring of three famous anti-troll activists who will take the fight to these trolls.
Bilbo and Gandalf
Bilbo Baggins has a long, controversial history of fighting trolls. Allegations of burgling and pick-pocketing alleged trolls have long dogged his career. While he has vehemently denied wrongdoing, he has built a solid reputation for engaging in conversations with trolls and confusing them with his use of proper grammar, good vocabulary, and complete sentences. Many a troll has expected to eat him alive and has been left in stony stupefaction when he’s done with them.
Bilbo’s long-time anti-troll partner, Gandalf the Grey, is far more combative. His tendency is to engage trolls in online conversations while pretending to be one. He usually logs on just before dawn and turns the trolls against each other by posting from fake accounts that the gullible trolls believe belong to their friends or allies. This strategy often turns them against each other until the ridiculousness of their positions dawns on them.
Mr. Baggins and Mr. the Gray released a statement promising trolls on Twitter, “we will, we will rock you.”
The Mighty Thor
Asgard’s Crown Prince has fought trolls across all the realms and learned firsthand that they find thunder and lightning to be very, very frightening. He had not fought any on earth, however, and was taken aback to learn that any knew how to use the internet. His first encounter with online trolling came when the super troll known as “NoobMaster69” began to cyberbully one of Thor’s friends. Thor quickly tracked down this troll, ripped his arms off, and shoved them up NoobMaster69’s butt. This move was immediately controversial, but polls also showed it had wide approval on the Wookiee planet of Kashyyyk. The controversy mostly subsided after videos surfaced of NoobMaster69 pronouncing “.gif” as “jiff” and all sympathy for him evaporated and even Thor’s most ardent critics were forced to acknowledge NoobMaster69 got what he deserved.
At the time of the announcement, Thor promised that he would work hard to deal with the troll menace and his press release to go along with the Twitter announcement is just a printout of the lyrics to “Hammer Time.”
A More Peaceful Solution?
Twitter’s promise to take the problem of trolls seriously has met with widespread approval. Still, though, its response has its critics. Many are calling on Twitter to avoid resorting to force and instead engage in bridge-building.