Sir Vladimir’s Guide for Evaluating Political Pundits
Picture: Monty (Python) Pictures
Summer is almost over and Autumn with its intense election season is about to fall upon us. We here at Marvelous Movies are well-known as arbiters of awesomeness and good taste and we are always having people come to us saying, “We’ve found a new expert on politics! May we follow him (or her)? This is a tough question with a tough answer. We believe the following process from our friend Sir Vladimir perfectly vets political experts we should pay attention to:
- Do they dress in in aggressively leisure-casual clothes?
- If yes, proceed to No. 2.
- If you dressed them that way, then don’t pay any attention to them.
- Do they have the appropriate nose to smell out the particular weaknesses of the other party’s candidate?
- If yes, proceed to No. 3.
- If you stuck a carrot to their face, then don’t listen to them.
- Do they wear hats with their preferred presidential candidate’s campaign slogan on them?
- If yes, proceed to No. 4.
- If you stuck it on their head, then find someone else to blindly follow.
- Do they have a wart?
- If yes, proceed to No. 5.
- If no, proceed to No. 5 anyway because what does it actually matter?
- Do they have the power to be so eloquent they render you mute?
- If yes, proceed to the next part.
- If yes, but you got better, go to the next part.
This next part is trickier and involves the application of logic, a skill many Americans possess, but choose to turn off when it comes to politics and elections. If a political pundit’s evaluation have led to this point, then that begs the question. What do we do with pundits? Why, we make them viral of course.
This leads to the final test, determining if someone is viral-worthy. This isn’t easy to guess in advance, but there is a completely scientific method we can employ to make this determination. We can’t know if someone will be viral, but we do know the most viral thing right now – COVID-19. If we were to think about it and use our heads, we would remember the origination point of COVID-19 – China. This is where most people make their next mistake. Most people will draw the inference that China’s most famous architectural feature is the Great Wall. This is a red herring. Where America is concerned, China’s fame comes from Chinese food (which our sources in China tell us is referred to merely as “food” over there). The two most famous Chinese dishes are Peking duck and orange duck. Either way, the main ingredient is duck. So, if a political pundit weighs the same as a duck…they’re worth following!
This is by far, the most logical way to evaluate pundits. The religious-minded can pursue a three step evaluation (or five, in the case of neo-Calvinists) that also requires the use of an aggressive bunny. This process is more obscure and detailed elsewhere.