Evildoers Dredd the Return of Sylvester Stallone to Crimefighting

Image: Amazon Studios

SEATTLE, WA – After a Rocky production, Amazon Studios has released a trailer for its upcoming film, Samaritan, starring Sylvester Stallone as a retired vigilante who gets pulled back into the fight against crime.

“This film just looks so Dark!” gushed superhero commentator Miller Franks. “The storyline involving a washed up superhero who was presumed dead coming back with a young sidekick is so fresh! Literally no one has every done this before. It’s as different from other comic storylines as Knight and day.”

Reddit user Urban enthusiastically Judges the trailer to “be Dreddfully good! It looks like Stallone is going through criminals like a real Demolition Man! He’s a true judge, jury, and executioner!”

But not everyone is enthused about the new film. On Twitter, critics claim that only people with too much Expendable time will watch Samaritan. Other Squads of haters, perhaps smelling blood in the water like King Sharks, are hoping the film commits critical and box office Suicide upon release.

Even the Creator of the original Samaritan storyline, a carpenter from Bethlehem, PA who writes truly inspired stories on the side, has condemned the film’s violence in a statement through his local organization: “The Samaritan is supposed to be the ONE GUY who does NOT engage in either physical acts of violence or apathy to crime victims.”

With Hollywood’s new Creed being about pumping out endless sequels and superhero properties, Stallone’s casting makes perfect sense. Amazon executives are doubtless hoping Samaritan draws First Blood at the box office on opening weekend.

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