NEW YORK – The United Nations announced earlier today that all of its member nations have passed laws agreeing to retire the names “Tony,” “Steve,” and “Natasha,” inspired by the tradition of sports leagues and teams retiring the jersey numbers of their greatest athletes.
“I have never seen so many nations come together in such a worthy cause,” said U.N. Secretary General António Guterres. “Honestly, I think that this is the only thing that every nation and every single person on Earth agrees on. It makes me wish that the characters had survived. They may well have convinced us to embrace world peace.”
Under these new laws, no one born after December 31, 2019 may be given any of the retired names. People who possess any of these names before that date will be given 30 days to voluntarily choose new names, or else they will be assigned a name randomly selected from the Star Wars Expanded Universe, such as Sheev or Mitth’raw’nuruodo.
This announcement set off a flurry of announcements from celebrities forced to change their names. The beloved mascot of Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes has announced that he will be voluntarily changing his first name to “Eye of” and The Office star Steve Carell has chosen “Christmas.” Sources close to singer Natasha Beddingfield have indicated that she is considering “Aidinganda.”