WASHINGTON, DC – In a rare show of bipartisanship, Congress has voted to rename one of the days of the week after the heroic Norse deity, Thor. The vote prompted vigorous backslapping and goodwill among the legislators, which almost immediately turned to acrimony as Congress split over which day of the week would be renamed.
- Wednesday. Republicans are clinging to the theory that “Wednesday” honors a woman named “Wednes,” who was likely a woman and not important enough to be featured every fourth day of the week. Mitch McConnell, the Senate Majority Leader, explained, “We think it is more than appropriate to rename her day to commemorate a true hero, a man’s man with great skin, eye, and hair color.”
- Saturday. “‘Saturday,'” Senator McConnell went on to explain, “is named in honor of people who just sat around all the time and that just encourages people to be lazy. We think it should be renamed after someone who obviously works hard to get buff and swing his hammer around.”
- Friday. Senator McConnell’s comments sparked immediate controversy and intense online support for Wednes, whoever she was. In response to the criticisms, Senator McConnell’s office released a statement that Republicans would be backing a bill to rename Friday, as ‘Fri’ could be mispronounced as “free,” which is a concept that Republicans oppose deeply. This reasoning was less controversial, but even his base began to express their fondness for sitting and do not want to give up the sole day of the week dedicated to it.
- Monday. Democrats have united solidly behind renaming Monday. In remarks that followed those made by Senator McConnell, the House Majority Leader, Nancy Pelosi, patiently explained that “Mon” is a well-known abbreviation for “money,” which she described as “evil, evil, evil.” Republicans immediately opposed this suggestion because they love money, stating in a press release this morning that money “is pretty much the greatest thing ever.”
- Sunday. A significant number of Democrats also favor renaming “Sunday” as it sounds too much like “Son Day” and further enforces discriminatory stereotypes furthered by “The Patriarchy.” Other Democrats, however, fiercely opposed the move, stating that ‘Sunday’ honors the sun, which gives us so much solar power and in no way contributes to global warming.
- Tuesday. In an effort to stem the controversy, a small group of Democratic lawmakers proposed changing the name of ‘Tuesday,’ as ‘Tues’ sounds like ‘two,’ which perpetuates binary thinking. When this proposal was mostly ignored, its proponents released an angry statement declaring “You cannot ignore us. Either you are for this enlightened compromise, or you are against us.”
The International Response
The controversy in Washington has perplexed the citizens of Norway, Sweden, and Denmark, the Norse countries where some of humanity’s earliest stories about Thor originated. The governments of these countries issued a joint statement calling for increased civility. It concluded, “Even though Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday have been rejected along with Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, we really feel that some middle way can be found without resorting to further infighting.”
This well-intentioned call to civility seemed to go unheeded, with some of the worst bipartisan debates of the new year erupting around this issue. The fighting is expected to spill over into the Presidential Election this November and become major planks in both party platforms.
When Marvelous Movies reached out to Thor, he responded with a written statement suggesting that both sides get a beer together, then settle the debate with fists and melee weapons.