NEW YORK – When Spider-Man heard all the internet buzz about Netflix’s Sandman, he thought a rematch with his old foe was a Dream come true. But it has turned into a bit of a nightmare.
“I figured Sandman would be Raven-ing to come back after me,” Spider-Man recently admitted to a news photographer literally no one has ever heard of. “But the dude keeps getting away from me like Sand running through my fingers.” Apparently, the photographer he told this to thought it was far funnier than it actually was.
“The problem,” Spidey says, “began with some Brit who was Constantinely using magic. I thought this person was a man, but turned out to be a woman. I didn’t care much, but apparently the internet totally hated it?”
“This may be the Death of me,” Spider-Man continued. “I mean, it’s just Endless headaches. Lots of Despair and Destruction. I really Desire to bring this to its Destined conclusion.”
“Also, ” Spider-Man concluded, “Flint Marko really Morpheused into a different person entirely. It’s almost like Sandman is from a different universe altogether now. I really miss the old guy.”