Marvelous Movies’ Guide for Announcing Lack of Interest in Star Wars

Photo: Lucasfilm

This week, fans from around the internet celebrate May the Fourth, also known as “Star Wars Day” and the subsequent “Revenge of the Fifth” to kick off “Star Wars Week.” The pun-based holiday season inspires intense celebration from two of the most raucous fandoms on the internet: Star Wars fans and the People Who Announce That They’ve Never Seen Star Wars.

The Star Wars fandom has a long and proud history of posting on-point memes, GIFs, and snark because this is The Way. The People Who Announce That They’ve Never Seen Star Wars don’t have such well-established May the Fourth traditions, but tPWATTNSSW have a few universally-beloved celebrations. They include:

Picture: Paramount
  • Purposely confusing Star Wars and Star Trek. This is always accompanied by the festive explanation that the two fandoms are the exact same thing because they are both science fiction, happen in space, and star Patrick Stewart as Professor James Tiberius Magneto of the planet Vulcan.
  • Declaring eternal membership by refusing to ever watch Star Wars. It’s probably a super-secret signal within tPWATTNSSW because it never fails to draw the other members like fireflies. They have a club meeting right then and there.
  • Intentionally misrepresenting the family connections. Does Princess Leia make out with her first cousin, Anakin Vader? Does Padmè get all creepily snuggly with her son, Poe Dameron? Of course, everyone knows the reality, but nothing shouts someone’s high status within tPWATTNSSW by loudly distorting the family dynamics to show just how much the member doesn’t care.
  • Confusing the Millennium Falcon with Millennials. This more recent trend allows Boomers the opportunity to toss around phrases like “what a piece of junk!” and to mutter something about foodies who make ‘spice runs’ with their weird, unshaven friends. In this way, they can get some secret Star Wars knowledge off their chest while seemingly mocking the very generation they raised.
Picture: LucasFilm
  • Insisting Baby Yoda “doesn’t count.” The Child has transcended all things, including Star Wars and the internet itself. If there is anything powerful enough to cure COVID-19 or bring about world peace, it is the universal love humanity has for the galaxy’s most sought-after youngling. This has produced an identity crisis within the ranks of tPWATTNSSW, which prominent members have resolved by declaring that Baby Yoda isn’t really Star Wars, anyway.
  • Never saying the word “lightsaber.” This is perhaps the oldest tradition of tPWATTNSSW. Members will go to elaborate lengths to describe lightsabers without ever using their actual name. Perennial favorites include “laser sword,” “lighty-up stick things,” “electricity swords,” “lifesavers,” “the laser thingies,” and more.
  • Acting unfamiliar with the phrase “This is the way.” Apparently, this intensely quirky tradition is their way. We’re not here to judge. That isn’t our way, after all.
  • Crying over the Clone Wars ending. tPWATTNSSW are many things, but they’re not monsters. The ending broke them inside, just like the rest of us.

How did we do with this list? Did we leave anything out? Let us know in the comments.

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