Investigators have received numerous reports of Sony employees planning to put DVD copies of the film Madame Web inside children’s candy during trick-or-treating this year. Parents are advised to use extreme caution and be on the lookout.

This toxic trend was begun by disgruntled Sony employees due to a surplus of Madame Web DVDs in their warehouses. Since no sane person has purchased even one of the DVDs, Sony has tried to make up its financial losses by smuggling them into homes or peddling them to children too young to understand the dangers. Children trick-or-treating on Halloween night makes people especially vulnerable to those with sinister intentions.

Citizens are advised to be wary of any persons dressed up as characters from Sony’s Spider-Man universe, such as Venom, Kraven the Hunter, or Madame Web herself. Parents and children should be especially wary of anyone dressed as one of Dakota Johnson’s other roles, such as from the Fifty Shades of Gray film series, trying to whip up further interest. However, it should be noted that persons dressed as Spider-Verse characters, such as Miles Morales or Spider-Gwen, are probably really cool people and should not be assumed to have hostile intentions.

Madame Web has been known to produce toxic effects, such as hours of pain and boredom or false hopes of a comprehensive cinematic universe. The film can also act as a gateway drug into the movies of Sydney Sweeney, a danger of which parents should always stay abreast.

If you or your child does find a copy of Madame Web, do not open it or consume it under any circumstances. Dispose of it safely and quickly, or alert the authorities to have them dispose of it for you. If you do find that you or your child has accidentally consumed all or part of Madame Web, don’t panic. Immediately find a nearby sink and thoroughly rinse out your eyeballs with soap. Then log into DisneyPlus and watch any of the Spider-Man films–even the Andrew Garfield ones–to stave off any adverse effects.

We foresee the unsolicited distribution of Madame Web copies leading to a sticky situation. If you notice a copy of Madame Web in your neighborhood, or if you or someone you love has been affected, don’t hesitate to call our national support hotline at 1-505-842-5662.