THE MULTIVERSE–While Spider-Man: No Way Home will be opening up the multiverse to all sorts of different versions of the character from disparate realities, fans can be comforted to know that one constant still remains. Experts have determined that out of all the different Spider-Men in the known multiverse, Andrew Garfield’s portrayal in The Amazing Spider-Man (2012) and its 2014 sequel is still the worst Spider-Man out there.
Authorities have confirmed that even in a multiverse containing Spider-Ham, Spider-Monkey, Piderman, Spoderman, dancing emo Spider-Man, Neil Patrick Harris, Spider-Man: Turn off the Dark, and Spider-Man selling his marriage to the devil, Andrew Garfield’s portrayal is in fact still the worst known version of the character. “Garfield’s version was too cool, brash, and cocky to be a nerdy underdog,” confirmed leading Spider-Man expert T. Vincent Maguire. “Plus, isn’t he supposed to be responsible?”
“And things just came way too easy for him, too,” commented contemporary Spider-Man scholar T.S. Holland. “He got the girl in his very first movie!”
“If you ask me, Garfield should just stick to eating lasagna and complaining about Mondays,” added legendary cartoonist Jim Davis.
Spider-Man: No Way Home premieres in December. Fans everywhere will be relieved if Andrew Garfield’s Spider-Man does not appear at all.