DUCKBURG, CALISOTA – Earlier this year, the famously reclusive Scrooge McDuck gave a speech to students at Duckburg High on investments, building a better Money Bin, holding onto a Number One Dime, and how to protect wealth from thieves, criminals, mythological creatures, witches, and wizards. He also disclosed publicly, for the first time, that he provided the financing for all the movies in the DC Extended Universe.
“The secret to building massive wealth,” he said in his thick, Scottish accent, “is to find opportunities that turn small amounts of investment capital into financial windfalls.” As his audience listened in hushed awe, he illustrated his point. “When I financed the movies for the Dismal Company’s superheroes, I made sure that we cut costs at every turn. We hired the cheapest writers, actors, directors, cameramen, choreographers, and the like to produce these movies. The results were abysmal, but they made money.”
“It is not easy finding these opportunities,” he admitted. “However, this particular investment decision was cut-and-dried. When the Dismal Company pitched this investment opportunity to me, they showed me how they had discovered a demographic so lacking in sense and taste, that they willingly buy merchandise with a large, letter ‘S’ that was drawn by someone’s three year old daughter, then surrounded by a diamond as well as T-shirts and posters with the outline of a flying rodent.”
Later, during a question and answer session, Mr. McDuck was asked about the ethics of exploiting such a senseless group of people in our society. “Their money spends the same as the money of smarter people,” he said, prompting laughter and a round of applause.