The Shire’s Essential Guide to Social Distancing

Picture: All Images Belong to New Line Cinema

HOBBITON, THE SHIRE – Bilbo Baggins is a sort of everyman hero who we all need, but don’t quite deserve. Besides his now-legendary dragon-hunting exploits and his adoption of the even more legendary Frodo Baggins, Bilbo is a model social distancer. Here’s how he did it:

  • He never left home without a handkerchief.
  • He was rude, but straight to the point in turning away people who knocked on his door, even when it was very old friends.
  • He recognized that leaving home for an adventure was a nasty, disturbing, uncomfortable idea.
  • When he encountered a coughing, wheezing stranger, he kept his distance, kept his things in his pockets, politely distracted the stranger with a friendly game of riddles, then ran for his life at the first opportunity.
  • As he prepared to isolate himself and leave his friends behind, he became contemplative and realized just how much he had taken his friends for granted
  • He disappeared entirely and withdrew to the isolation of the Last Homely House.
  • He nearly attacked a family member for carrying his former sickness into Rivendell, where he was staying.

All in all, we at Marvelous Movies firmly believe that if more people valued food and cheer and song above hoarding toilet paper and eating raw bats, the world would be a safer, cleaner place with no further outbreaks.

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