EARTH–People all across the globe began to panic earlier today as supervillain Galactus, the devourer of worlds, approached the Earth in a fit of otherworldly hunger. The humanoid cosmic entity has a known history of feeding on the life energy of planets all across the galaxy in order to satiate his supernatural appetite. However, upon seeing the Earth in its current condition, Galactus declined to consume it and departed soon after.
“I’m really trying to watch what I eat these days,” Galactus told Marvelous Movies in an interview. “And honestly, the Earth just looks nasty. Like, how many people are infected with that virus now? A few here and there probably wouldn’t hurt me too much, but this is way too many. I would’ve figured this species was advanced enough to actually take precautions against the spread of disease.”
“It’s got way too many fats, too,” Galactus continued. “I’ve got to watch my figure. And don’t even get me started on pollution. I love junk food as much as the next guy, but I still have standards. And this place just really makes me lose my appetite.”
“Galactus has elected not to consume the Earth at this time,” added Norrin Radd, Galactus’s herald and official spokesperson. “To satiate his hunger, I shall direct him instead toward the outer reaches of your galaxy, where he may wish to feed on Neptune or Uranus.” At publishing time, Galactus was seen flying away from the Earth, giggling hysterically.