UNITED STATES–In a surprising move, dark horse candidate Wade Wilson, a.k.a. the mutant mercenary Deadpool, has announced his intentions to run for President of the United States in 2020.
“It just seemed like nobody was too crazy or morally questionable to run this year,” Deadpool explained when questioned about the sudden decision. “If two old white racists, Kanye West, and that guy with the boot on his head are all options, then I just figured, why not throw my hat in the ring too? Metaphorically speaking, of course. I don’t normally wear a hat. Hmm–maybe I should start wearing a boot on my head!”
Deadpool is appealing to the minority demographic for much of the support he hopes to garner. “I’ll be the first Canadian, mutant, and fictional president that America has ever had! What’s not to like?” When questioned about allegations that President John F. Kennedy was also a mutant, Deadpool insisted that it no longer counts because the X-Men movies are being rebooted by Disney anyway.
The so-called “merc with a mouth” is campaigning on a platform of free chimichangas for all Americans. He also promises to violently maim America’s enemies and even the other candidates, and to make a regular practice of breaking down walls. “I’ve already broken the fourth wall,” he explained in his trademark yellow speech bubbles. “Once elected, I’m gonna break down Trump’s wall, too. And maybe also the wall of that nasty taco place down the street. They gave me really bad diarrhea the last time I ate there, and I feel like somebody needs to do something about it.”
Deadpool has named longtime associate Bob, an agent of HYDRA, as his running mate. Despite his unconventional approach, affiliation with HYDRA, and apparent lack of political experience, Deadpool is still expected to be among the top 5 most qualified candidates of 2020.
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