Marvel to Release a G-Rated Cut of Deadpool

BURBANK, CA – Mere days after the worldwide success of the Snyder Cut, speculation about Disney’s plans for directors’ cuts of superhero movies are beginning to percolate onto the internet. Particular attention has been paid to Fox’s R-rated Deadpool movies, considering Disney’s squeaky-clean image. Disney has now announced that it will release the two Deadpool films into a single, G-rated film.

“This will be new territory for Disney,” CEO Bob Chapek said in a statement released this morning. “We have never before taken content that was originally inappropriate for children and cleaned them up into family-friendly movies. We look forward to the challenge.” The studio will be making several changes in response to common complaints from parents:

• Language. The profanities and sexually-explicit statements made by the characters will be replaced by similar, non-profane words. It is widely-anticipated that Disney will use the stand-in swear words used in NBC’s The Good Place.
• Sex & Nudity. All sexually-explicit imagery will be scrubbed from the film. Additionally, Morena Baccarin, the female lead, proved to be a controversial decision as she was a well-known Companion prior to starring in the Deadpool franchise. She will be replaced by Blake Lively, the wife of Deadpool star, Ryan Reynolds. Their romantic scenes will be confined to hand-holding, walks on the beaches, and lingering glances. Disney felt that even this was pushing the line, but as Reynolds and Lively are married, the studio feels that no eyebrows shall be raised.
• The Suit. Disney also felt that the red suit worn by the titular character is too close to the color of blood and may prompt thoughts of violence in the minds of its young viewers. Therefore, a new suit color will be chosen – likely green. In a similar vein, the spandex used in the suit was considered inappropriately revealing by many viewers and is likely to be changed to a CGI space suit. This announcement is expected to provoke a violent response from Reynolds, but he has so far refrained from public comment in a rare show of strong willpower.
• Profession. Deadpool’s vocation as a mercenary assassin-for-hire is also considered objectionable, and he will now be portrayed as space policeman who does not even carry a weapon.
• Human Experimentation. Perhaps the most controversial aspect of the films was in their positive portrayal of human experimentation. True, those conducting the experiments were portrayed as villains, but they successfully created a nigh-invulnerable hero capable of fantastic feats of human physicality. No parent wants their budding scientist to be exposed to anything that would encourage them to pursue such an objectionable career-field. Therefore, Deadpool’s powers shall be portrayed as coming from a magical ring in his possession.
• The Name. Last of all, the name of the main character and the name of the film has the undesirable effect of equating the innocent summer pastime of pool-going with death, which has surely traumatized countless children. The main character and the movie are to be named Green Lantern and will be released nine years ago in 2011.