Tolkien Purists Pronounce Doom Against “Rings of Power” Fans

Image: Amazon Studios

ARAMAN, VALINOR – So-called Tolkien purists, those adamantly opposed to the recent Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power series from Amazon Studios, have grown increasingly incensed at the largely positive reaction to the show. In response to what they perceive as unforgivable, woke blasphemy, they have issued the following statement to all who enjoy the show:

Tears unnumbered ye shall shed; and the Valar will fence true fandom against you, and shut you out, so that not even the echo of your lamentation shall pass over the mountains. On the House of Bezos the wrath of the Valar lieth from the West unto the uttermost East, and upon all that will follow them it shall be laid also. Their profit-seeking shall drive them, and yet betray them, and ever snatch away the very treasures that they have sworn to pursue. To evil end shall all things turn that they begin well; and by treason of kin unto kin, and the fear of treason, shall this come to pass. The Dispossessed shall they be for ever.


Ye have watched heretical Lord of the Rings adaptations unrighteously and have stained the land. The Valar have spoken.

The show is certainly not very Silmaril to the source material. Even so, Amazon is betting big that Rings of Power is able to rule a large fandom, bring them all together, and in darkness bind them together, in the land of Mordor where the shadows lie.

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