Watery Tart Throws Gavel at Kevin McCarthy

Image: Wall Street Journal

WASHINGTON, DC – After a contentious fight for the Speaker of the House, a watery tart has finally thrown a sword at Kevin McCarthy (R-CA), granting him supreme legislative authority.

Representative Jim Jordan (R-OH) described the scene in a recent editorial. “The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft the Speaker’s Gavel from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that he, Kevin, was to carry the Speaker’s Gavel. And that is why he is our Speaker!”

Representative Matt Gaetz (R-FL) loudly protested the results. “Strange women lying in ponds distributing gavels is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.”

Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) also decried the results as showing the violence inherent in the system. As the results were announced, she was overheard exclaiming, “Help, help, I’m being repressed!”

Speaker McCarthy loudly told everyone to shut up. Around the country, the people of the United States rejoiced at their independence from the regressive, monarchical leadership of England.

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