BURBANK, CA – Early tests indicate that individuals infected with COVID-19 are 100% less likely to spread their germs to anyone else when wearing a stormtrooper helmet. It appears that infected people wearing one of the helmets completely miss everyone else when they cough, sneeze, or even touch things.
In light of this discovery, Disney has announced it is donating over a million stormtrooper helmets to individuals diagnosed with COVID-19. Religious and civil leaders have hailed this humanitarian gesture. In Congress, leaders of both political parties issued a joint statement praising Disney’s humanitarian spirit and proclaiming that “[t]he unexpected good fortune of stumbling upon a ready-made solution to all of our problems is one of the greatest things to happen to democracy ever.”
Also included with each helmet donation is a one-year subscription to Disney+ content and an unlockable audio and holographic file labeled “66.” We will update this story as it develops.