BREAKING NEWS – In a shocking development, 100% of the staff at Marvelous Movies spontaneously became sick around 8:55 EST and produced doctors’ notes excusing them from work the rest of the day. The notes, all signed by Dr. Ernest Bunbury, listed the illness as “DisneyPlus-itis” and recommended that patients stay at home for the next few days or weeks and eat copious amounts of chips, popcorn, and pizza, and drink hot chocolate.
Other workplaces and even public schools are expected to be similarly affected. Dr. Bunbury is warning that DisneyPlus-itis is extremely contagious and that it is spread by a certain mouse. Normally, Marvelous Movies would update this article as the story progressed, but we will be too understaffed to do so. In the meantime, please enjoy these examples of ace journalism on DisneyPlus-itis symptoms:
As an Officer of the British Empire (OBE), he is literally OBE Ewan.
Introducing time-traveling cyborg bounty hunter, The Man-Delorean
Also included among original content for the new streaming service are Goose the Cat, Snoke: Origins, and Luis Narrates the Disney Universe.
The beloved actor from the Star Wars prequels will reprise his role in a DisneyPlus series consisting solely of Kenobi’s fan-favorite catchphrase.
To tone down the show’s grim nature, the violent vigilante will now make cheesy puns, jokes, and quips while ruthlessly gunning down criminals.
The Jar-Jar Binks episode expected to set rating records.