LOS ANGELES, CA– A scientific study conducted at UCLA has concluded that adding the phrase “I have spoken” to a controversial statement or opinion makes said statement completely invulnerable to all counterarguments. The study was conducted by the Department of Communications by observing trends in social media discussions over time. The study’s empirical implications for future social media controversies are truly revolutionary.
“We observed this phenomenon in multiple instances, from people of all different demographics, backgrounds, and political persuasions,” commented Dr. Nick N. Olte, the lead researcher on the study. “People are always making controversial posts about statues, or wearing masks, or which racist old man you should vote for. But whenever someone adds ‘I have spoken’ to the end of their post, all dissenters are instantly silenced, and no further disagreements can be made.”
Dr. Olte cited one specific example from the study. Richard Cannavale, 23, recently posted the following statement on his social media account: “Lol, you don’t have to wear a mask. The government is just trying to control you. Wake up, sheeple! I have spoken.” The post not only received zero dissenting comments and 42 heart reacts, but each of Cannavale’s 900 Facebook friends were immediately and wholeheartedly convinced of the complete veracity of his position.
Even critics of the study were unable to form a response after merely reading the words “I have spoken” within the text of the study.
UCLA’s Logic and Philosophy Department has corroborated the study’s findings, asserting that statements ending with “I have spoken” are not only rhetorically impervious to counterarguments, but also objectively and irrefutably true in all circumstances.
When pressed for further comment, Dr. Olte simply said, “I have spoken.” We were forced to conclude the interview immediately at this time.
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