Trump Touts Lazarus Pits as COVID Cure

Photo: DC Comics

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Following a week of criticism over its handling of the COVID-19 crisis, the White House has announced a promising cure from the League of Shadows, an overseas league of professionals in their field who specialize in the subject of death and resurrection. The Lazarus Pit is being touted by the White House as a foolproof cure, while its critics are pointing to side effects so severe that early users have resorted to covering their faces with Red Hoods.

“People are going mad for this!” President Trump gushed in a recent tweet. “The results are very strong!”

The announcement was met with a mixed reaction. Critics of the plan describe the League’s extreme price gouging as Ghul-ish. Of course, such insults have failed to get a Ra’s out of League officials, who have not publicly commented. Dr. D. Mawn Head, the League’s CEO, is known for fostering a ninja-like approach to public relations: strike from the shadows, maintain plausible deniability, and never go on the record.

Other critics have pointed to the potential for the Lazarus Pit to be used in committing ballot fraud.

The Lazarus Pit cure also has its supporters. Our sources close to key Republicans are informing us the GOP is hoping the cure will help to bring the party’s election hopes back from the dead.

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