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BURBANK, CA – Today, the rights to the Daredevil, Iron Fist, Luke Cage, and Jessica Jones web TV series reverted back to Marvel Studios after a successful run on Netflix that ended in acrimony. Disney has immediately announced plans to relaunch these fan favorites. Unfortunately, after the past two years, several actors and actresses from the shows are unavailable due to other commitments. So Disney has announced the following recastings instead:
Ben Affleck as Daredevil
Affleck’s portrayal of a blind superhero using echo-location to fight crime has won him the most raves of his singularly distinguished career. Pitting him against Kingpin will prove immensely satisfying as long as Kingpin’s mother isn’t named Martha.
Thomas Jane as the Punisher
Long confused as the protagonist on “The Mentalist,” Thomas Jane’s wide emotional range is expected to cause fans to forget all about Jon Bernthal.
Jennifer Garner as Elektra
Fortunately, Garner and Affleck’s relationship status is such that the chemistry between Daredevil and Elektra are anticipated to be absolutely perfect.
Jon Favreau as Foggy Nelson
Favreau is already in the Marvel Cinematic Universe as Happy Hogan. As Marvel has an ironclad rule against actors portraying more than one Marvel character onscreen, it is widely anticipated that Foggy Nelson’s backstory will be retconned to include a former life as Tony Stark’s bodyguard and Aunt May’s boyfriend. It’s fortunate for Favreau that he will be getting this role, as it’s not like he has anything else going on in his career.
The future is looking to be full of romantic scenes involving large-scale karate fights on playground equipment, which is everything the world needs to move on from 2020.