Marvel to Re-Re-Release Avengers: Endgame with 9-hour Runtime

SAN DIEGO–In a breaking announcement made this weekend at San Diego Comic Con, Marvel Studios President Kevin Feige announced that the studio will be releasing yet another re-release of the 2019 hit blockbuster Avengers: Endgame. The film first released in April, followed by a re-release in late June with about 6 minutes of additional footage. According to Feige, the next version, including even more additional footage, will be re-re-released as soon as this upcoming weekend.

When asked about the studio’s reasoning behind this decision, Feige commented, “We really want to beat Avatar,” referring to the fact that Endgame is very close to surpassing 2009’s Avatar as the highest-grossing movie of all time. “But then we thought, well, why stop there? Heck, I’d actually like to see us outgross the next ten top-grossing movies ever, combined. Could happen, right?”

Feige went on to comment, “Avatar is a terrible movie, anyway. They made Gamora the wrong color, and there’s way too many naked Kree running around. Plus, it was absolutely nothing like the show. They got Aang’s character all wrong and couldn’t even pronounce his name right! How did that piece of stinking garbage ever become such a moneymaker?”

With the bonus footage being added to the re-re-release of Endgame, fans can expect to see the following:

  • An extended montage of Captain America returning all the infinity stones to their original timelines, including his awkward encounter with the Red Skull on Vormir
  • An hours-long discussion on the complete scientific details of time travel from Professor Hulk and the Ancient One, conclusively explaining and resolving any and all possible plot holes once and for all
  • Character development and motive for the villains
  • Major roles for Mistress Death, Adam Warlock, and Howard the Duck
  • An entire sub-plot featuring Korg and Miek embarking on a quest to track down and battle their arch-nemesis, Noobmaster69
  • Like all great re-releases, an edit of the fight scene between Star-Lord and Corvus Glaive, in which Corvus Glaive actually shoots first this time, to make Star-Lord seem like more of a morally upstanding character and less of an anti-hero

The newest version of the film is expected to have a 9-hour runtime. Select movie theaters across the country are preparing to install working toilet seats in their auditorium chairs so that audience members can enjoy the entire film in one sitting without getting up at all.

The re-re-release of Avengers: Endgame hits theaters this weekend. We think you’ll love it 3,000.

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