ATLANTA, GEORGIA–Our reliable informants at the Center for Disease Control have uncovered some startling new information that the mainstream media won’t report! In addition to embedding recipients with tracking microchips from Bill Gates, changing the user’s DNA, and causing autism, the COVID-19 vaccine has been conclusively linked to implanting the mutant X-gene in patients. Recipients of the vaccine may become mutants themselves and begin demonstrating unnatural characteristics such as laser eyes, blue fur, or a tendency to believe in science.
“The American people need to know the truth about this vaccine!” Sen. Robert Kelly X-plained in a press conference. “It’s not safe, and it needs to be stopped right now.”
“The vaccine is a sham,” agreed Rev. William Stryker. “This whole pandemic has been nothing more than a big government scheme to turn your children into muties!” Rev. Stryker had no comment on the topic that the vaccine has not yet been made available to children.
Some parties still remain in denial about the vaccine’s X-treme side effects. “This is just one more ridiculous conspiracy theory about the vaccine,” commented world-renowned biochemist Dr. Henry McCoy. “It is biologically impossible for the vaccine to change your DNA or turn you into a mutant. Trust me–I know about injections that can give you blue fur, and this one can’t.” McCoy has been a known mutant sympathizer and prominent advocate of mutant rights for some time.
Dr. McCoy has also denied Rev. Stryker’s claims that the vaccine represents the biblical Mark of the Beast. “I don’t even have a mark,” McCoy X-pounded.
It couldn’t be clearer that this vaccine has been created by a Rogue faction to wreak Havok on the world and usher in the Apocalypse. Taking it is truly too much of a Gambit, but surely the Mystique will wear off now that the truth has been X-posed. So, who are you really going to believe: a so-called “scientist” making Uncanny claims and agreeing with government-funded “research?” Or the people who are questioning authority and telling you to do whatever you want? We fully X-pect the American people to make the right choice here.