Netflix Struggles to Win Back Exes after DisneyPlus Launch

LOS GATOS, CA–With the recent launch of the DisneyPlus streaming service giving viewers access to hours of Disney, Pixar, Marvel, and Star Wars content, Netflix seems to be doubling down on its efforts to win back its subscribers and become the #1 streaming service once again.

“Look, what is it they want?” asked a spokesperson from Netflix, after Marvelous Movies found him drinking at a bar alone. “We had something special for so many years. We gave them everything! I mean, did they see that last season of Stranger Things? It was great! And they all know Hopper isn’t dead, right? They can’t just leave now.”

“We even brought back a bunch of great shows that would have died off otherwise!” the Netflix employee continued, holding his head in his hands while staring down dejectedly into a half-empty beer glass. “Arrested Development. Designated Survivor. Orange is the New Black. Heck, we finally finished up Jesse Pinkman’s story after 6 years! What more could we possibly give them–Firefly? We’d do anything for the fans, but we can’t work miracles.”

“What does DisneyPlus have that we don’t?” the Netflix employee lamented. “First they steal Clone Wars from us, and then they steal our followers too. They think they’re so special just ’cause they’ve got Marvel. Well, we’ve still got old seasons of Daredevil and The Punisher! Not to mention all the cheesy DC shows, and, um…The Epic Tales of Captain Underpants. Oh, gosh–I think I get it now.”

“We can do better!” the Netflix employee pleaded. “We’ll make, um…War Clones. Yeah, that’s it. And The Man-DeLorean. We’re gonna get so many views! Then they’ll be sorry they ever left us. They’ll see. They’ll all see!”

At publishing time, Marvelous Movies was trying to console the Netflix spokesperson in the midst of full-fledged tears while also urging him not to do anything drastic.

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