Disney Committed to Making Vader Terrifying Again

Photo: LucasFilm

OPINION – In the early 2000s, Darth Vader entered a serious decline. His most loyal followers were dismayed by his attempts to be a nice guy and by his angst-ridden dialogue. Now, executives at Disney are vowing to reverse Lord Vader’s long decline and Make Vader Terrifying Again (MVTA).

“Vader used to be the greatest villain of all time,” complained long-time Star Wars fan Annie Ken. “Nothing stopped him. Nothing. Then, we have to hear him try to impress a girl by complaining about sand? Like it’s this big Bane to him? What?”

Twitter influencer Mack Diarmid noted, “Vader was once the greatest quote machine in cinematic history. ‘I find your lack of faith disturbing;’ ‘All too easy;’ or ‘I am altering the deal, pray I alter it no further.’ Classics. All of them. But what were we getting prior to Disney? ‘Now, this is podracing!‘ ‘Are you an angel?’ ‘Aggressive negotiations’? Give me a break!”

“He couldn’t even win an argument,” lamented Patty Mae. “I mean, he and Obi-Wan get in one fight, and Obi-Wan’s sick burns cut off Vader at the knees. The dude could only scream ‘I hate you!’ in an impotent rage. Embarrassing. I almost hated Star Wars as a result.”

Other supporters of MVTA noted that Vader cared more about podracing and flirting with cute princesses than he did about galactic conquest. Even more embarrassingly, he was known to refer to lightsabers as “laser swords.” It was a bad look for one of the greatest villains of all time.

But now Disney has made a solemn promise to the American people. It will make Vader terrifying again. And they are delivering on their promise!

“We promised to Make Vader Terrifying Again and we have delivered. It’s been great. He’s again the most evil villain of all time,” Disney CEO Bob Chapek said at a rally for MVTA followers. “No villain in history has done the things Vader has done. It’s been tremendous. Really. So much growth. It’s been yuuuuuuuuge!”

The Dark Lord Vader could not personally be reached for comment. However, he is rumored to have advised Disney not to choke on its aspirations.

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