BURBANK, CA – An embattled James Gunn is getting tired of answering questions about DC’s decision to part ways with beloved Superman actor Henry Cavill. His response has been to send out his chief deputy and story strategist, Dr. Harrison Wells, to speak to the media.
“Nobody wants a big, blue boy scout anymore,” Dr. Wells proclaimed. “We want morally flawed heroes to look up to. Don’t believe me? Look at who we’ve elected to lead us in the last few years.“
When asked why Henry Cavill was a bad fit for Superman, Wells rolled his eyes before answering. “Have you seen him? He’s a conventionally good-looking white man. I mean, he’s tall, broad-chested, has a pleasing voice, and even a cleft chin. No one wants that. He’s also British. Can you believe that? Whatever happened to American heroes for an American audience? I mean could you imagine a superhero of Superman’s stature being played by a Brit? That would be like casting a British person to play Spider-Man, Batman, or Dr. Strange.”
When asked why Ezra Miller was allowed to remain on as the Flash despite their recent legal troubles, Dr. Wells shrugged. “Miller has shown a commitment to doing the one thing we want most out of a Flash actor: a willingness to change their appearance to resemble actor Tom Cavanaugh.“
“I think we need to completely flip the script on Superman,” Dr. Wells continued. “Do more content like Brighburn. Tell a story about Superman which is the complete opposite of the norm. A…Reverse Superman, if you will. Bizarro idea, I know, but so, so much better!”
Our intrepid reporter asked if this would make him Man-Super. Dr. Wells then ordered us to get out and banned us from further press interviews.
Poor creative decisions made on a once-great superhero movie franchise will be coming soon to a theater near you.
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